Fathers and Mothers

The Christian ethic isn't only "Children, obey your parents" but "Fathers, provoke not your children, lest they be discouraged" (Colossians 3:21). It is tragic that many times we're guilty of discouraging our children.

I believe that a child can be discouraged by too much prohibition. We can put too many "no-no's" in his way.

When a child is growing up you should child-proof your home. If you have little knick-knacks that you don't want toyed with or broken, put them out of the child's reach rather than down within his reach. That way you don't have to say "No, no" every time he moves towards one of your prize possessions. There should be certain prohibitions, but unnecessary prohibitions can discourage a child and give him a negative complex to begin his life with. I've seen little children walking around a room saying "No, no, no, no."

I believe a child can be discouraged by unfeeling and absolute government. We don't have to say "You do it because I said to do it!" Parents should be open and reasonable with their children.

I think that a child can be discouraged by an over-exacting, difficult-to-please parent. The other day at the beach a woman came out with her family and laid a blanket on the sand. She said, "Don't get any sand on the blanket! Watch out! Don't get sand in the food! Be careful! Don't go in the water! We're here to have fun, and we're going to have fun!" By then you're so confused that you're ready to go home. Nervous prattle is very discouraging to a child.

There's also the need to avoid constant displeasure with everything a child does. For example, when he shows you a picture that he colored and you say, "How come you went over the line here?" - that can be discouraging to a child. Children need encouragement. As parents we need to be careful. Many times we are too difficult to please.

We can discourage a child in holding our displeasure too long. I think the moment a child repents and declares that he's sorry, we should drop the case at that point. Don't go on for days saying, "I can't believe you did it! Oh, I can't believe that!" - holding the guilt over him day after day. "My expensive china plate is broken!"

What if God did that to us? When we've done wrong and we ask God for forgiveness, we don't want Him to be long-faced and groaning for days over the fact that we failed Him.

I think that a child can be discouraged by hasty and false accusations. I had a great dad, but he wasn't perfect. In fact, he was very excitable. And I had a younger brother, Bill, who was a real rascal. Before Bill was born, my father said to my mother, "If you'll have a redheaded boy, I'll buy you a Cadillac." I don't know how it happened, but she had a redheaded boy. My brother Bill was all boy, and my father really idolized him, as we all did. Bill came along later than the rest of us, and so we all babied him and spoiled him.

Whenever Bill would start screaming and crying, my father would almost go insane. And my brother Bill knew this. So, each time my other brother and I would do anything to displease Bill, he'd say, "I'm going to get you!" - and he'd start screaming. My dad would come running, pulling off his belt, and whip us older boys. Then dad would ask, "What's the matter here?" Whenever our brother Bill started screaming, we'd run - because my dad would belt first and ask questions later. I wasn't always innocent, but I was spanked many times when I wasn't even involved. That was part of my dad's excitable nature. He spanked first and asked questions later.

If we're constantly accusing our children falsely and being hasty in our judgment concerning them, that's very discouraging to them.

I believe a child is discouraged when he's constantly being suppressed because of possible danger. "No! You can't go out and play baseball. You might get hurt. You might hurt your finger. If the ball would hit your finger in the wrong way it would hurt and swell... You'd better not ride your bicycle. It's so dangerous to ride your bicycle." Well, living is dangerous. Constantly suppressing a child because of possible dangers can discourage him.

Now, as a parent you need to exercise prudence, judgment, and wisdom. I believe that children need to be warned of certain dangers, such as getting into cars with strangers. But there's no way you can watch them twenty-four hours a day and protect them from every hurt and injury. That's part of life and growing up.

I believe a child can be discouraged by giving him a test of character that is inappropriate for his age. For instance, if a little two-year-old should happen to lose his temper, you shouldn't say, "Oh! You've got a bad heart!" I heard of a little boy who had a chest x-ray. The doctor pointed out his heart on the x-ray and the little boy began to weep because it turned out that his heart looked black on the x-ray. I think that holding a child under heavy judgment for something they did not really understand discourages them.

I think that we discourage children by sometimes holding them away from the things of the Lord when they desire them. We say, "You're too young. You don't understand yet." Jesus said, "Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child, he shall not enter into it" (Mark 10:15).

For example, we might say to a 6 or 7 year-old who's sitting in a communion service and desires to take communion, "Oh no, you can't take that. You're too little." But in his heart he loves Jesus. Maybe he doesn't understand all the implications (I don't know whether I do), but I think children ought to be allowed to participate in spiritual things. As soon as they have a desire. I always remember the words of Jesus. "Let the little children come unto Me and forbid them not." I think that they should be encouraged and allowed to participate in spiritual things.

"Fathers [the Greek reads "Fathers and mothers"], provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord" (Ephesians 6:4). One of the most tragic scenes that I have observed is a parent who needles or teases the child until he's driven to frustration and distraction. I've seen parents do it with small children - holding out a bottle, then pulling it away as the child reaches for it, then laughing they hold it out to withdraw it again. I see the little child teased until he doesn't know what to do, and the parent seems to receive some amusement in seeing the child totally distraught. That's one of the cruelest things that a parent can do.

Bring them up in the discipline and admonition of the Lord. Solomon said, "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it" (Proverbs 22:6). It is our responsibility as parents to take time to teach, to train, and to bring up our children in the discipline and admonition of the Lord.