Drawing Closer Together

It is said that marriage is a 50-50 proposition. I hardly believe that. I believe marriage is a 100-100 proposition. If you only give 50 percent to it, you'll never make it. Both sides have to give 100 percent in order to have a really happy, successful marriage. I do believe that God's divine order is that the husband be the head of the house and the wife submit to the husband as is fit in the Lord.

As I said, the Christian ethic introduced the reciprocal obligation. Under the Christian ethic it declares, "Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them (harsh with them)" (Colossians 3:19). In the Greek or Roman ethic a husband didn't need to love his wife. In fact, according to the Greek philosophers, every man was supposed to have a mistress or concubine for his pleasure and a wife to bear his legitimate children.

But the Christian ethic says, "Husbands, love your wives." This word for "love" is the word agape, which is a giving, self-sacrificing love.

Agape is that love that God has for us when He so loved the world that He gave (John 3:16). This is the kind of love that a husband is to have for his wife. In Ephesians Paul made it a little stronger: "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it" (Ephesians 5:25). When God gave this command to the husbands, He knew all about the emotional needs of a woman. One of her greatest needs is the security from the knowledge that she is loved supremely by her husband. That she is number one and that he has no eyes or desires for any other woman. There is something about her nature that requires constant affirming of these facts both verbally and by actions. Husbands often hear the words, "Does my hair look all right?" "Is this dress O.K.?" "How do I look?" She is wanting to hear, "Darling, you're gorgeous, you're a dream, you are the most beautiful woman in the world, and I love you." Fellows, when will we wise up?

Now, we sometimes get off on the wrong foot in our relationships. We actually begin to work against one another. Many times, rather than submitting to her husband, a wife is rebellious - arguing against every decision he makes, rebelling against his authority, and challenging his wisdom and judgment. This, in a sense, destroys the husband's male ego. Thus, he responds and reacts to this by asserting his male ego and becoming cold and aloof.

The more aloof the husband becomes, the more the wife rebels against his authority. The more she rebels against his authority. The more aloof he becomes. Soon, every situation is pushing them further and further apart. Any decision he makes is challenged or rejected by her. Every decision brings on this big explosion, this big argument, this big division. Because of this, the man has a reluctance and unwillingness to demonstrate a love for his wife. Very possibly, at this point he may not even have a love for his wife. He feels totally cold.

The wife feels no security whatsoever, for security comes with love. Because she lacks a sense of security, she thinks, "How can I submit to him? I don't even know if he's concerned about me. He's just thinking of himself."

Now, if you can reverse the process, it draws the man and wife closer and closer together. The more a husband shows and demonstrates his love to his wife, the more secure she feels and becomes. The more secure she becomes in his love for her, the more readily she can submit unto his authority and his decisions. The more she submits, the more he feels free to show his love for her. So, you need to get the process working in the right direction.

Unfortunately, in too many marriages the process is driving a couple apart rather than drawing them together. But which comes first, the chicken or the egg? Who gives in first? Does he demonstrate love first? Does she submit first?

Usually, a husband will say: "I tried. I demonstrated love." But she thought, "I've got you! I'm going to insist on my own way now!"

The husband is afraid the wife will take advantage of the situation. On the other hand, the wife will say, "I submitted to him and he did the dumbest thing! So stupid!"

Where's it going to break? It's going to break in a divorce court someplace. You can actually keep driving yourself further and further from your mate by not being willing to yield, or to show love.

Ideally, the problem should be faced with both of you on your knees confessing before the Lord your failure to obey and follow His law - the wife confessing her failure of obedience in submitting to her husband as is fit in the Lord, and the husband confessing both his failure to love his wife as Christ loved the Church and his bitterness or his harshness towards her. Then the husband and wife must seek through the help of the Holy Spirit to follow the scriptural pattern.

"God, help me to show her that kind of love in which she can feel secure so that she can submit." "God, help me not to argue, not to speak up when I think he's doing something that's dumb, but to keep my mouth shut and to go along with it - knowing that, even if we lose everything, we've still got each other, this love and You. That's all we need, Lord. Help me to be in submission unto him and his authority."